A divorce can shake a family to its core. Often, it's the kids who bear the heaviest burden. Not only to they have difficulty understanding what a divorce really means, but all the fighting between mom and dad puts children in a difficult position.

One children's counseling program asks kids to write a set of rules for their parents to follow in divorce. The results of the exercise should give divorcing parents some food for thought.

Here's a synopsis of the most popular rules kids want their parents to abide by:

  • Don't Badmouth Your Ex: Kids love their parents equally. Even though you may be mad at your ex-spouse, your child probably isn't. It hurts kids to hear you say mean things about someone they love. Truth isn't an excuse, either. If you need to vent, call a friend.
  • Don't Make Your Kids Choose: The worst thing you could do to your kids is put them in the position of having to choose one parent over the other. Don't make them feel bad about wanting to visit your ex and don't accuse them of loving one parent more than the other. Dealing with new child custody arrangements is hard enough already. Similarly, if you're having a fight with your ex, keep the kids out of it. It's not fair to make children take sides in adult disputes.
  • Don't Use Your Child as a Messenger: If you need to pass a message on to your ex, contact him or her directly. If you can't bear to have an actual conversation, send an email. Further, don't ask your child to report back on what your ex is doing. It makes kids feel dishonest to betray someone they love.
  • Don't Take Out Your Anger on Your Kids: Children aren't little adults, and they certainly aren't little therapists. Let them have their childhood and don't burden them with adult problems. Also, make sure you are aware of your feelings. Don't unintentionally let your anger or sadness over the divorce translate into unfriendly behavior towards your children.

Divorce is hard on kids. But, if we listen to them, we can help them transition through this difficult time.

Source: The Huffington Post, "If Your Kids Could Make the Rules of Divorce," Kara Bishop, Dec. 29, 2011.